Divorce Coaches Academy

The Triangulation Trap: Guiding Parents Out of Destructive Patterns

• Tracy Callahan and Debra Doak • Season 1 • Episode 157

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When children become pawns in their parents' divorce battles, the emotional damage can last a lifetime. Triangulation—the process where children are drawn into parental conflict—affects over 80% of high-conflict divorces and significantly increases children's risk for anxiety, depression, and relationship difficulties well into adulthood.

In this compelling deep dive, Debra and Tracy unpack the three distinct forms of triangulation that plague divorcing families. They explore how children become direct participants in conflict when used as messengers or interrogated about the other parent's home. They reveal the subtle yet equally harmful pattern where children feel caught in the middle even when parents believe they're shielding them from tension. And they examine the most damaging form—when parents deliberately draw children into coalitions against the other parent through criticism, loyalty tests, and false narratives.

What makes this conversation particularly valuable is the practical coaching framework offered for helping parents recognize and break these destructive patterns. Through awareness-building questions, perspective-shifting exercises, and concrete strategies—from establishing direct adult communication to creating emotional safety zones—listeners gain tools to guide families toward healthier dynamics. The powerful question at the heart of this work resonates throughout: "Do you want to give your children a child-centered divorce or a divorce-centered childhood?"

Whether you're a divorce professional working with high-conflict families or a parent navigating co-parenting challenges, this episode provides insight into transforming harmful patterns into opportunities for healing. Because when parents take accountability and keep children out of adult conflicts, they're not just breaking a cycle—they're building resilience that will serve their children for years to come.

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Debra:

Welcome back to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm Debra and I'm here with Tracy. Hello, hi, hi, hi, hey. Today it's a juicy topic, one of my favorites. We're going to talk about something that's critical, that affects many of the families we work with, and that's triangulation in parental conflict.

Tracy:

Yes, triangulation, not strangulation.

Debra:

I've had one of those.

Tracy:

They both have similar characteristics right, Right.

Debra:

Yeah and I know those of you listening, if you've worked with some of these high conflict divorce cases, you have seen triangulation in action. It's that process where a child is drawn into the conflict between the parents and that's what often creates this lasting emotional damage. So what we want to talk about today is the three main types of triangulation. We want to understand the impact of those patterns and explore some effective coaching strategies to help parents break these unhealthy patterns. Yes, so whether you're working with parents who are newly separated or those that are caught in one of these long-term conflict cycles, understandi ng triangulation is really essential for guiding families to a little healthier dynamic .

Debra:

But before we really start getting into the details of the specific types of triangulation, let's clarify what we mean by this term triangulation in the context of divorce and separation.

Debra:

Can you walk us through that?

Tracy:

Yeah, so triangulation occurs when two parents in conflict pull a child or children into their dynamic, literally creating a triangle where the child becomes a participant rather than a protected bystander, right? So if you can think of actually a triangle and in each one of those points put the spouses or the co-parents mom, dad, mom, mom, dad, dad, child Okay, so this can happen, overtly or subtly, intentionally or unintentionally. What makes triangulation so damaging is that it disrupts the natural hierarchy of the family system, placing children in roles they are developmentally unprepared to handle. So research from the Family Court Review, AFCC, shows us that approximately 25% of divorcing couples experience high conflict that persists long after the legal process ends, and triangulation is prevalent in over 80% of these cases.

Tracy:

So I want to make it clear triangulation is not only in that divorce process. It might have been existent in the marriage, in the divorce process and in the post-divorce process with the co-parenting relationship. More concerning, though, is that studies show children caught in triangulation are at higher risk of anxiety, depression, academic difficulties and relationship problems that persist well into adulthood. Ouch, and what separates triangulation from healthy parent-child relationships is the boundary violation. In healthy families, parents maintain this appropriate boundary that literally shelters children from adult conflicts. They process their emotions with other adults and not their children. They communicate directly with each other about parenting matters rather than using children as intermediaries.

Tracy:

Yeah, yeah, so this boundary violation is really at the core of the triangulation.

Debra:

Right, so that's what triangulation is. Now let's talk about the three specific forms Pacific, three specific Tongue tie Forms I'm on my first cup of coffee, guys. The ones you're likely to encounter in your coaching practice. Okay, so the first type is children's direct participation in these parents' disagreements. This one is perhaps the most visible form of triangulation that we see. It occurs when children become active participants in their parents' conflict. You'll probably recognize this pattern when you see parents use children as messengers like "tell your mother, I need the school forms by Friday. When children are questioned about the other parent's home "what did daddy say about me? Or who was at mommy's house this weekend, and when children are made privy to adult information about finances, legal matters or relationship issues.

Tracy:

Right, yeah, that's the one we see, a lot right. Yes, well, dad said you should pay for baseball because blah, blah, blah.

Debra:

Right, your mom's taking all my money. That's why I have to live in this one-bedroom apartment, whatever, yeah. So one client I worked with described her nine-year-old son as shutting down every time they had a transition day. And after working together and assessing the situation, what we discovered was that he was actually carrying messages back and forth about schedule changes and support payments. So Every exchange for this child felt like he was walking into a minefield. The effect of this type of triangulation includes heightened anxiety, a sense of divided loyalty and the development of manipulative behaviors that children learn. It's a survival, a coping strategy. They learn to be manipulative in order to navigate the tension by just telling each parent what they want to hear.

Tracy:

Right, which is directly involved in the conflict. They are now part of that conflict.

Debra:

They are directly involved. So that's the first type.

Tracy:

Yeah. So a second type is this idea of children's subjective sense of feeling caught in the middle, right. So this second form is more subtle but equally harmful. Here, children may not be directly involved in parental disputes, but they nonetheless perceive themselves as caught between these two parties. Signs include children who become hypervigilant about their parents' moods. Reluctance to mention one parent while the other when they're with the other. Right. Physical symptoms like stomach aches or headaches around transitions and, of course, self-censoring or compartmentalizing their experiences.

Tracy:

One particular tell sign is when children become emotional caretakers, working to manage their parents' feelings by hiding their own distress or providing excessive reassurance. It's probably one of to me, a heartbreaking one, right? So there's research by Dr Jennifer McIntosh. She's a clinical child psychologist and researcher and she said that even young children absorb emotional tension between parents, even when the parents believe they're keeping the conflict away from kids. Right. So this is when a child's observing you just crying, right? Children are remarkably perceptive to nonverbal cues, tone of voice and emotional undercurrents. They see it, they feel it, they know something's happening and they may not know exactly what, but then they feel somehow caught in this process.

Debra:

Yeah, and they feel responsible for managing that parent's emotional state. So let's talk about the third type, which is triangulation forced by the parents. This third kind of category involves much more deliberate triangulation tactics where one or both parents actively work to draw the child into coalitions against the other parent. This is those target aligned, yes, so this can range from a little bit more subtle undermining to really severe alienating behaviors.

Debra:

Things like speaking negatively about the other parent in the child's presence, questioning the child's loyalty - "If you loved me, you wouldn't want to go to your dad's" Rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent, and creating false narratives about the other parent being dangerous or unloving. This particular form of triangulation often occurs when parents get confused between their spousal role, which has ended, and their parenting role, which continues. When they're unable to separate these identities, they really try to seek an alliance or make an ally out of their child. Yeah, the impacts of this are really severe. Children can develop a false self, reject part of their own identity that's tied to the targeted parent right. Long-term research shows that these are the children that really struggle ongoing with intimate relationships in adulthood and may repeat patterns of estrangement in their own families. So sad.

Tracy:

So sad. So triangulation, three different types of triangulation. So now that we've identified sort of these patterns of conflict, let's talk about effective coaching strategies for helping parents recognize and break cycles of triangulation. As a divorce coach working with clients in high conflict situations, one of the most delicate yet vital tasks is guiding them to recognize whether they are involving their children in triangulation, whether that's consciously or not.

Tracy:

It is so important to remember not every conflict-filled separation leads to triangulation, but as coaches we need to listen closely for subtle cues in our client's language. Phrases like "my son says his father never helps him with homework, or "my daughter hates going to her mom's house often reflect more than just a child's opinion. These statements to us can reveal emotional pressure, inappropriate questioning, or the child's entanglement in adult issues. In these moments, self-awareness becomes the client's most powerful tool, and our job is to help unlock it. One of the most effective ways to do this that we use in our tool belt is through curious, nonjudgmental questioning, and that is to explore with our clients some emotional triggers that may be leading to boundary violations, exploring unmet needs that may be attempting to be fulfilled through their children and, most importantly, to try to help them distinguish between their needs and their children's needs. As our clients grow in awareness, we then can move toward understanding. This is where, as coaches, we can introduce concrete examples of triangulation what it sounds like, what it looks like and how it impacts their child.

Tracy:

The goal here is to gently shift their mindset to become more reflective and solution-focused, working towards reducing their child's involvement in parental conflict, for the child's emotional well-being right. So some powerful reflection prompts to explore with a client might include "how might your child feel when they hear you talk about the other parent? Do you think your child feels caught in the middle? Have you noticed any changes in your child's behavior after time with the other parent? Finally, we can guide our clients in expanding their perspective by inviting them to see the situation through their child's eyes. This is perspective shifting right. A couple of things I do. If your child wrote a letter about what it feels like to be part of your divorce, what might they say? Or if we were to place you, your spouse and your child on the triangle on actually a triangle and use arrows to show the back and forth involvement of conflict, what would that look like?

Debra:

What would that look like? Yeah, that brings me back. I'm not going to get the quote right, but it's something that we've used before in class and that I love, and it's this idea of do you want to give your children a child-centered divorce or a divorce-centered childhood? Because that's what triangulation does - is it makes their childhood the primary thing they will remember about their childhood is your divorce. Absolutely, or the client's divorce, right? All right, so you've done this work and your client has been able to identify their or their child's engagement in triangulation. So we've got awareness.

Debra:

Now the next step is transformation Shifting from insight, Aha, to intentional action. Let's do something about it. And as dispute resolution divorce coaches, our role is to guide these clients through practical, compassionate steps they can take to break this cycle and protect their child's emotional well-being. So we're going to do option generation with them, right, which we know is driven by the client themselves through their discovery process, but we can support them in exploring actionable strategies so they can start to identify, develop and implement these things to improve it for their child. So let's talk briefly about a few of these.

Debra:

Right up front, making a commitment to direct communication. It is the right of children in divorce to not act as go-betweens. Once this pattern is recognized, we can support our client to commit to adult-to-adult communication. What would that look like for them? What do they need in place to support that communication? For instance, would a parenting app like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents or one of those other ones be helpful? But step one - making a commitment to direct adult- to- adult communication.

Tracy:

Yeah, another wonderful thing that we can do is help them create an emotionally safe space, right? Children deserve to feel safe and neutral, neutral in both homes, so this means shielding them from sort of that tension or blame. So can the client identify strategies to speak respectfully about their co-parent in front of their child, or to commit to not to speak of their co-parent at all? That's an option, and what do they need to do that? What do they need to create these conflict-free zones where they themselves are not using language that, then, is pulling that child into triangulation?

Debra:

Next is, of course, boundary work right. We can support our client in setting firm emotional and conversational boundaries with their child. For example, are they willing to stop asking their child about the other parent's personal life or activities? Yeah, what do they need to do that? Right, so they're firm emotional and conversational boundaries with their child, so helpful to explore that with them.

Tracy:

Yeah, Another one, kind of building off that, is redirecting emotional needs. Clients often lean on their children for emotional support without realizing it. So can we with our clients, explore what other adult outlets the client can use for processing these feelings that aren't their children? Right, can the client commit to turn to their therapist or us as their coach or a trusted friend to vent or process, acknowledging that their child is not their support system? Right, practicing child-centered language is another one. Right, words matter. We can work with clients on how to use language that protects that child's bond with both parents.

Debra:

Language. Language matters all the time in divorce. Number six next is pausing for perspective. We love the pause. We do love the pause, so we can explore and invite clients to just have a way to remember to check in with themselves before they speak or react. One strategy to kind of pause and consider this is for the client to ask themselves is this helping my child or is this about me? Can we work with our client to make a commitment to ask themselves this question before they speak about the other parent?

Tracy:

Yeah, and emotional regulation right. Children absorb our emotional energy, they do. Children perceive experience through the eyes of their parents. So what strategies can the client develop to stay grounded during those tough moments when there is a trigger activation? That may involve looking at their stress response, developing distress tolerance.

Debra:

Yeah, Right, all those things Right. And the final one that we want to bring up is acknowledge and repair. We are imperfect. Divorce is hard. This is emotional. We are human, human beings right. So mistakes happen, mistakes happen, they do. So what matters most is modeling to our children, accountability and repair, or an attempt to make things right. So if they slip up and they do involve their child, how can they take responsibility for that? How can they have an interaction with their child to reassure them that it is not their job to carry adult problems? Acknowledge and repair.

Tracy:

And these steps may seem small, but they certainly create powerful shifts. It's the awareness, education, and then option generation for actional steps. When a parent takes accountability, models emotional clarity and keeps their child out of the conflict, they're not just breaking the cycle, they're building resilience and safety for their children's future. As divorce coaches, we have a unique opportunity to help parents see these dynamics before they become entrenched. By educating parents about triangulation early in the separation process, we can prevent many of these patterns from forming.

Tracy:

Remember that breaking triangulation patterns require consistent reinforcement. Encourage our clients and parents to view this as a process rather than a one-time fix. With patience and practice, even high-conflict parents can learn to keep their children in the appropriate role as children, not messengers, therapists or pawns. So we want to thank you so much for tuning in. If triangulation and conflict is something that interests you and you would like to learn more, please keep an eye out for our Conflicted Co-parent Divorce Coach training at Divorce Coaches Academy. We do a deep dive in this, but hopefully this information at least gets you starting to think about triangulation, because we do see it often. It's a huge factor that our clients can change right, but again it begins with that awareness and education. So thank you so much, until next time.