Divorce Coaches Academy

Make An Offer Already: Breaking the Settlement Negotiation Standoff

• Tracy Callahan and Debra Doak • Season 1 • Episode 160

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The power struggle of "who goes first" in divorce negotiations costs couples thousands in unnecessary legal fees and months of emotional turmoil. Tracy and Debra dive deep into why this hesitation happens and how divorce professionals can effectively guide clients past this common roadblock.

At the heart of settlement hesitation lies a fascinating cocktail of psychological factors. Many clients fear anchoring too low, worried that their first offer becomes the ceiling rather than the floor for negotiations. Others simply aren't emotionally ready to take steps that make their divorce feel more real and final. Information gaps create legitimate concerns about making uninformed decisions, while strategic positioning—the belief that making the first move reveals weakness—can transform negotiations into costly standoffs where the refusal to engage becomes more important than resolution itself.

What makes this episode particularly valuable is the practical framework Tracy and Debra provide for helping clients reframe their thinking. Rather than viewing the first offer as vulnerability, they demonstrate how it represents an opportunity to control the narrative and set the agenda. Through visualization exercises, core value identification, and distinguishing between sufficient versus perfect information, coaches can transform client paralysis into empowered decision-making.

Whether you're working with clients who fear appearing desperate, those waiting for external validation, or individuals paralyzed by potential regret, this episode offers tailored strategies to break the settlement standoff and move the divorce process forward.

What approaches have you found effective in helping clients overcome their hesitation to make settlement offers? Share your experiences with us!

Divorce often brings emotional chaos—and as attorneys, mediators, financial advisors, divorce coaches, and dispute resolution professionals, you're tasked with guiding clients through it.

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Tracy:

Hey everyone, welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I am Tracy and I am here with my partner in crime, Debra.

Debra:

Ooh. Crime.

Tracy:

Up to no good. No, all good. So today we're digging into something that drives just about everyone in the divorce world a little bit crazy - that moment when nobody wants to make the first settlement offer in divorce negotiations.

Debra:

Tracy, if I had a dollar for every case I've seen stall out because neither party wanted to make the first move.

Tracy:

You can totally retire to that beach house you've been eyeing.

Debra:

Exactly, Exactly. You know, the irony is really that this hesitation often costs clients thousands in unnecessary legal fees and months of emotional turmoil.

Tracy:

Yeah, that is why we wanted to dedicate today's episode to understanding the psychology behind the hesitation and provide you, our listeners, with some practical tools to help your clients move past it.

Debra:

Yes. So let's talk about why people freeze when it comes to making that first offer, and then let's talk through how we, as professionals, can help them through that.

Tracy:

So let's start with what might be the most common fear we see, and that is anchoring too low. So, Deb, can you help explain this concept of anchoring?

Debra:

For sure, for sure. So in negotiation theory, anchoring refers to the cognitive bias where the first number put forward in a negotiation becomes the reference point for all subsequent discussions. So many divorcing clients fear that if they make the first offer, they might then inadvertently undervalue what they could receive. Or let's use the air quotes - what they're entitled to.

Tracy:

Yes, and I often hear clients say things like if I ask for X, they'll never agree to more than that, even if I'm legally entitled to it.

Tracy:

Yes, so there's a fear here.

Debra:

For sure, and there's some truth to that concern.

Tracy:

Mm-hmm.

Debra:

We know that research in behavioral economics confirms that first offers create powerful anchors that can be difficult to move away from. And yet waiting indefinitely isn't the solution either.

Tracy:

What I find helpful is reframing this for clients. I can remind them that them making that first offer isn't just about the number, it's about setting the framework for the entire negotiation. It actually allows them to emphasize what matters most to them, right?

Tracy:

We're like in a little game of chicken on this, right?

Debra:

Right for sure, and I want to point out that's such an important distinction that you made, because when clients understand they can shape the conversation by going first, this gives them the ability to shift their perspective from fear to empowerment.

Tracy:

Yes, empowerment And speaking of fear, let's talk about emotional readiness, which is our second reason for hesitation.

Debra:

Oh, and that is so huge, so huge. We know divorce isn't, it is a legal process, but it isn't just a legal process. It's an emotional tsunami, an earthquake, and many clients simply aren't emotionally ready to engage in substantive negotiations, even when legally it makes sense to move forward.

Tracy:

Yeah, I worked with a client recently who kept delaying making an offer. When we explored why, it turned out she felt making the offer would be acknowledging the end of her 22-year marriage in a way that felt too final.

Debra:

Too final and that's so common. For so many of our clients, avoiding these settlement discussions is actually a form of like emotional self-protection. So would you be willing to share some strategies that you've been able to find helpful in these kind of cases?

Tracy:

Yeah, honestly, I think it's a combination of patience with gentle reality testing. I help clients separate this emotional process from the legal process. And so much of that work is grounded in what we do, right, the story of divorce and the business of divorce. Sometimes I'll say things like you can continue to process your grief about the end of the marriage while still making practical decisions about your financial future. Right, so two things can be true at the same time.

Debra:

At the same time. And what it sounds like that kind of response will do is you're giving your client permission to take things at their own pace, while still understanding the financial implications of delaying this.

Tracy:

Yeah, Financial implications of delay. They may be accruing debt, they may be running all of this up. Right, because there's no interim agreement, assets are just sitting there that are untouchable. Right, there's a cost, a direct cost, to delaying that process. So I think those two things can happen, right, this pacing while reality testing with our clients. Yes. So let's move to our third reason, information asymmetry. This one's particularly relevant for dispute resolution professionals.

Debra:

Oh, absolutely. Information asymmetry is when one spouse feels like they don't have complete financial information or understanding of the marital estate, and it's really common in marriages where, say, one partner has managed most of the finances.

Tracy:

Yeah, it's a real legitimate concern, right, as a mediator, the first thing I ask as parties come to my mediation table is is there a direct and clear understanding of your financial landscape from each other? Has the financial transparency been made? Do people feel comfortable about it? Making settlement offers without full information can certainly lead to regrettable decisions Regrettable.

Debra:

Regrettable. Absolutely, and this is where we can really add that value as divorce coaching professionals helping our clients get organized for financial disclosure, connecting them with financial experts when they need help that can help address this hesitation

Tracy:

And sometimes explaining the discovery process and its built-in safeguards can help clients feel more confident moving forward even when they don't have every single piece of information yet.

Debra:

Yes, uncertainty, and we've done a couple of podcasts about how everyone hates uncertainty and it really gets in the way in divorce.

Tracy:

It's a threat.

Debra:

It's a threat, right, but here's what else we know. Complete certainty is rarely possible.

Tracy:

Rarely, rarely, big emphasis on rarely.

Debra:

But sufficient information to make informed decisions is possible.

Tracy:

Yeah, absolutely yeah. Absolutely

Debra:

Sufficient versus perfect.

Tracy:

Yes, sufficient versus perfect. And we often see clients get kind of stuck in this cycle also of believing that they have to get all of that information and then also enduring a tremendous amount of cost in that hesitation of being able to move forward with some proposal development because they're trying to cross all those T's and dot all those I's. So sufficient right? Do I have enough baseline information to make an informed decision regarding some proposals? Okay, so let's move on to what might be the most problematic reason - strategic positioning. This is when someone believes that making that first offer might reveal too much about their position and weaken their negotiating leverage.

Debra:

This is where things can really go sideways right, especially when both parties adopt this stance simultaneously.

Tracy:

Yeah, they're dug in

Debra:

He who speaks first loses.

Tracy:

Okay, again chicken who's going to flinch right?

Debra:

We're both standing with our arms crossed on opposite sides of the room.

Tracy:

We've both seen how destructive this can be. And, Deb, can you walk our listeners through what typically happens when both sides are playing this waiting game?

Debra:

You know it's like watching a slow motion car crash. You like my dramatic emphasis there? When neither side wants to show their cards so they both wait and wait and wait and weeks turn into months and bills pile up and what starts as strategic positioning transforms over time into this really costly war of attrition.

Tracy:

Yeah. And then the attorneys have no choice but to start formal proceedings, right? Filing motions, scheduling court dates, all because neither side will make that first move.

Debra:

Exactly. And here is what is particularly troubling about this particular problem. As time passes, positions tend to harden rather than soften.

Tracy:

Absolutely.

Debra:

So now-.

Tracy:

This is not where time works. To keep all wounds. Time is not your friend. No, no, no, no, no, no no, no, people dig in.

Debra:

And so now this dispute escalates from what could have been a practical problem-solving exercise into something really adversarial.

Tracy:

Mm-hmm, and I've seen many cases where attorney's fees exceed $50,000 before meaningful negotiation even begins, all because of this standoff. I just just yesterday was working with a client who's spent $150,000 thus far on her legal representation, including engagement in financials, forensic accountants, even though there wasn't really a lot of complex financial information, and they're nowhere. Neither side has put forth a proposal and I now am brought into this place to be able to support this movement, right.

Debra:

This movement right.

Debra:

Because this psychological dynamic here is fascinating. Because after a certain point so we both start off with this strategic positioning, but after a certain point the standoff itself becomes the issue. The issue is no longer the issue, now the standoff is the issue, and each side begins to interpret the other's hesitation as bad faith rather than caution.

Tracy:

Bad faith, bad faith, yeah.

Tracy:

And then it becomes about winning this standoff. Right, I am not. Now I am absolutely right. Who's going to blink first? Right, I am invested in winning this standoff rather than resolving the divorce efficiently.

Debra:

Got to win. We talked about winning last week.

Tracy:

Never helpful, never helpful.

Debra:

What is helpful, I find, is actually openly discussing this dynamic with clients, just like with naming our emotions, naming this phenomenon, simply naming it and talking about it, can break the spell.

Tracy:

I find it useful to frame this about making the first offer as a position of strength rather than weakness. The person who makes the first offer gets to set the agenda, define the parameters and control the narrative. They get to tell the story.

Debra:

It's so true. It's so true. And one thing that I'll ask clients sometimes is - because it's always about your BATNA and your WATNA and what you're willing to do - is what is your alternative to making an offer? When they're really dug in and they don't want to go first, what's your alternative? And as we explore, they typically realize it is expensive litigation with unpredictable outcomes, and sometimes that's enough to help them reconsider this hesitation.

Tracy:

And for our professional listeners out there, I think one valuable approach is to help clients distinguish between revealing the bottom line, which they shouldn't ever do early, and making a reasonable opening offer that leaves room for negotiation right. Because also it's this balance between not your bottom line and not an insulting first offer and it does take some work here it does. This isn't something one should approach haphazardly,

Debra:

Absolutely. Proposal development is an art and it's a skill, and most people aren't taught how to do it, so that's where we dive in. The other thing sometimes can be helpful is having parallel conversations about multiple issues. That can break the logjam sometimes. So when parties are discussing parenting time and financial issues concurrently, that may create an environment and an opportunity for a little bit more creative problem solving instead of getting stuck on one issue.

Tracy:

Yeah, yeah, and let's talk about fear of finality and regret, which is sort of our fifth reason people hesitate. right.

Debra:

Finality and I think this one resonates with so many clients, because actually making a settlement proposal, writing it down on paper and sliding it across the table or sending it on email, makes this divorce real in kind of a new way. It's a psychological milestone that can trigger intense doubt and anxiety.

Tracy:

I have had clients who were intellectually ready to settle they knew they wanted to settle but emotionally paralyzed by questions like what if I'm making a huge mistake? Will I regret this offer in five years?

Debra:

And those are legitimate concerns. Divorce settlements have long-term consequences that can be sometimes difficult to fully comprehend in the moment.

Tracy:

Yeah. Paralyzing and fear, yeah, and I find it helpful to work with clients on distinguishing between reasonable caution and paralyzing perfectionism. Perfect certainty about the future is impossible, but we can make well-informed decisions with the information available.

Debra:

Available. Yeah, I mean because it's all about decision making right.

Debra:

So one tool that we use sometimes is this idea of a magic wand or a visualization to help clients imagine and think about their post-divorce life under maybe different settlement scenarios. So you know, two years from now, on a random Tuesday, if I choose path A, what is my life going to look like? Let's look at that. Or path B. It can help make some of these abstract financial decisions a little bit more concrete and emotionally accessible when we do visualization.

Tracy:

Yeah, I love that. Another approach I use is to help clients identify their core values and priorities. Yep, core values and priorities and then evaluate potential settlements against those criteria rather than getting lost in the endless what ifs. Again, another client I was just working with - complex situation, multiple the family had a real estate investment firm and, like all things right, the way it was structured was to sort of build off debt, if you will. So there's multiple properties and to get the detail of every one of these properties and the value is going to be hugely timely and very costly. So we've been working on this sort of this idea because this fear nobody's moving to make an offer.

Tracy:

This has again been going on for well over a year. Everybody's in their position. There's question about information and talking about what is it that you need? Right and looking at it from that perspective, right, being able to identify core values and priorities, which then creates opportunities to evaluate potential settlements right versus the what ifs, and that sounds very reassuring to a client to be able to look at it from that perspective.

Debra:

For sure. You know and that underscores that sometimes we're dealing with either financial literacy issues or people's discomfort with money, and so bringing in an outside expert, some sort of financial advisor could potentially model different scenarios and their long-term implications, and maybe that's the concrete information that a client needs to move forward with confidence. What if the real estate portfolio is valued at X? What if it's valued at X.1? What if it's valued at X.5? How does this look different?

Tracy:

Yes, yes, yes. Okay, reason number six for hesitation - waiting for external guidance. This one's less about psychology and more about process.

Debra:

Right, I mean sometimes clients are simply waiting for input from financial planners, tax specialists, business evaluators or other experts before they feel comfortable making an offer. Of course.

Tracy:

Yeah, and this is particularly common in high-asset divorces or cases involving, as I just discussed, family businesses, deferred comp or complex retirement assets.

Debra:

Yeah, yeah. So our job here is really to talk this through with our clients and ensure they have access to appropriate experts early in the process and helping them sort through deciding which decisions truly require specialized advice and which don't.

Tracy:

Yeah, and sometimes clients don't realize they can make offers conditional on expert input for certain aspects, while moving forward on more simpler issues.

Debra:

Right, this is an offer, not a contract. You haven't signed anything, right?

Tracy:

It's an offer. An opportunity for a discussion is what an offer is.

Debra:

Yeah, yep. The other thing that works sometimes is breaking the settlement down into manageable pieces so that we don't stall the entire process waiting for this expert report to come out. What can we move forward on?

Tracy:

Mm-hmm, yep, okay, and our final reason in this hesitation process is concern about appearing too eager. Many clients worry that making that first offer signals desperation, or weakness

Debra:

Oh my gosh, I hear this one all the time. If I make the first offer, they'll think I'm desperate to settle and they'll take advantage of me.

Tracy:

Yeah, it's interesting how this perception persists despite evidence. Despite evidence that making the first offer creates an advantage rather than a disadvantage.

Debra:

And you know, I think it might be because clients are operating from ideas about negotiation that might work in other contexts but aren't applicable to divorce proceedings. This is a different animal.

Tracy:

Yeah very important point. What I tell my clients is that in divorce, unlike other negotiations, both parties usually have a shared interest in avoiding protracted litigation. Making an offer isn't showing weakness, it's showing pragmatism.

Debra:

Yes, and again, this is where we bring so much value to the party. There are ways to make an offer that project confidence rather than desperation. It's the tone, the presentation, the rationale provided along with that offer that can all signal this is a strong, well-considered position and not a desperate plea.

Tracy:

Yes, the how matters as much as the what when it comes to settlement offers.

Debra:

Yes again, offers, not contracts. This isn't anything final So I know we could talk on and on. We've covered a lot of ground today. Tracy, if you had to give our listeners one takeaway for helping clients overcome this hesitation to make the first offer, what would it be?

Tracy:

Yes, well I'd say, help clients reframe, making the first offer as an opportunity, really stressing this an opportunity rather than a vulnerability. It is a chance to set the agenda, demonstrate reasonableness and potentially save significant time and money.

Debra:

Yeah, yeah, I love that, I love that, and I would add that it's important to understand which specific fears or concerns are holding your client back. Because the intervention or the help support we might provide for someone paralyzed by information asymmetry is very different from how we will work with a client who is not emotionally ready.

Tracy:

Absolutely. Individualized, personalized approaches are always more effective than generic advice, right? So we laid this out for you guys. But, as always, right, every client is different, right? What is the underlying issues happening there? Yeah, yeah, all right. Final thoughts.

Debra:

Final thoughts. As dispute resolution professionals, we need to normalize the anxiety around making settlement offers. It's normal to feel uncertain and shaky about it. When clients understand that their hesitation is common and understandable, that's when we make it possible for them to actually work through that.

Tracy:

And sometimes sharing stories of previous clients who have successfully navigated this hesitation, can help guide your clients right by providing reassurance and practical models.

Debra:

Exactly. Normalizing is so important. All right, well, I'm looking at the clock and I think we've talked long enough, so we're going to wrap up today's episode, but we sure hope this discussion helps you guide your client through these challenging dynamics, this hesitation to make the first offer.

Tracy:

Yeah, and before we sign off, we'd love to hear from you. What strategies have you found effective in helping clients overcome hesitation to make settlement offers? You certainly can share your thoughts on our social media channels or send us an email at dca@ divorcecoachesacademycom. So thank you, as always, for joining us at the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we are committed to transforming the divorce experience one client and one certified divorce coach at a time. Thanks so much.