Divorce Coaches Academy

Beyond AI: The Irreplaceable Value of Human Connection in Divorce

• Tracy Callahan and Debra Doak • Season 1 • Episode 162

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The irreplaceable human element of divorce coaching remains vital in an increasingly AI-driven world, with experienced coaches providing emotional intelligence and authentic connection that technology cannot replicate. We explore why artificial intelligence tools can supplement but never substitute the nuanced support, personalized guidance, and trauma-informed approaches that human coaches offer during life's most challenging transitions.

• AI tools can help with administrative tasks but cannot read subtle emotional cues or provide genuine human connection

• Experienced coaches draw from personal and professional knowledge to offer nuanced advice tailored to individual values and situations

• "Compassionate boundaries" balance validation with accountability when emotions cloud judgment

• Real-time adaptation allows coaches to pivot instantly when clients face unexpected developments

• Trauma-informed approaches help coaches recognize signs of abuse that AI might miss

• The coaching relationship itself models healthy communication and boundary-setting for future relationships

• Technology works best as a supplement rather than a replacement for human coaching

Join us on July 23rd when Anne Wintemute from AmieeSays will join us to explore AI-driven tools for those in unhealthy relationships.


Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Debra:

Hi, welcome back to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm Debra and I'm here with my co-founder, Tracy. Hi, Tracy.

Tracy:

Hello everyone, hi Debra. Hi.

Debra:

Today we're going to be getting into a topic that's becoming increasingly relevant in our field, and that is artificial intelligence and its role in divorce coaching.

Tracy:

Yeah, the talk of the town isn't it.

Debra:

It is right In all aspects of life. Yeah, what's the buzz man? It's AI. AI tools are everywhere these days, from chatbots to document prep software and even systems that claim to offer emotional support. The question we're exploring today is do we need to be worried that AI will replace the human element in divorce coaching?

Tracy:

Am I going to have a job still?.

Debra:

alert alert, TLDR TL;DR The answer is no. But, we do want to talk about why AI can be a valuable supplement to our coaching practices, and we're going to discuss the irreplaceable aspects of the human connection that make our work so impactful.

Tracy:

Yeah, I've actually been seeing ads lately for AI services targeting people going through divorce. Some even claim to offer AI divorce coaching. Just to put our minds at ease, we went to Reddit to see what people were saying about this idea. One poster said, "I just got quoted 150 per hour for a divorce coach and this is just too much for me. Everyone's talking about how AI is coming and I'd happily use one with them if it was cheaper. Would love to hear if anyone else would consider it, and the responses were pretty consistent, so here are a few.

Tracy:

"I'd pick up a DIY divorce kit from a gas station before I trusted a tech that can't even be guaranteed to generate the right number of hands on a human. Yet I love Reddit responses.

Tracy:

"I can't think of anything. I'd want less than to talk to a robot when I'm feeling extremely lonely and disconnected.

Tracy:

And, lastly, "o you understand how AI works? Asking Reddit to guide you through your divorce would have a better success rate and we're terrible. So, deb, what are your initial thoughts on this trend of AI divorce coaching?

Debra:

Well, I find it concurrently fascinating and concerning. On the one hand, I'm all for technology that can help streamline certain aspects of the divorce process. We use AI to help us lay out our podcast episodes, to come up with ideas for social media. We are not anti-AI.

Tracy:

No.

Debra:

AI can provide quick access to information, help with organizing documents and even provide some basic guidance for standard situations, but what really troubles me is the suggestion that AI can replace human coaches. Having worked with thousands of clients, I've seen firsthand how divorce is one of the most emotionally complex transitions a person can experience. There is a depth of emotional intelligence required that I really don't believe AI can successfully replicate, and it sounds like Reddit agrees with me, right. Now, we recently spoke with Anne Wintemute from Amiee Says. It's an AI-driven platform that empowers survivors of relationship abuse to recognize, respond and recover.

Debra:

During our conversation, Anne was clear, now this is her AI product, but she was clear that AI is a complement to a client's divorce team, not a replacement for human support. So if you missed that episode and you'd like to go back and give it a listen, it's number 123. And if you want to learn more about Amiee Says or some of these AI tools that are coming out, mark your calendar for July 23rd. Anne's gonna be joining us for our monthly DCA Coaches Lunch and Learn event July 23rd.

Tracy:

Yeah, exciting, I'm looking forward to that. So I completely agree. Right, when a client comes to me in tears because they just found out their ex is introducing their children to a new partner, or when they're struggling with guilt about ending their own marriage, these moments require a genuine empathetic and emotional presence. So let me share a recent example. I had a client, let's call her Maria, who came to our session appearing completely calm and collected. She spoke logically about asset division and co-parenting schedules. But as a coach with years of experience, I noticed subtle cues - the way she avoided eye contact when mentioning her husband's name, how her voice slightly tightened when discussing the family home. When I gently asked what was beneath that calm, stoic exterior, she broke down and we were able to explore some underlying fears she hadn't even acknowledged to herself. Yes, AI is not going to be doing that.

Debra:

No, and that's such a powerful example of what human intuition brings to coaching. We call this the perception framework, or Jedi mind tricks, when we're teaching it in our coaching training. So you know, here's where AI might analyze transcript data for keywords that indicate distress, but this client wasn't yet even acknowledging she was in distress, right. So it's not going to pick up on those subtle nonverbal cues or the emotional undercurrents that an experienced coach can sense.

Tracy:

Yeah, it's a language-based model. AI is a language-based model, so if it's not in the language right, they're non-spoken words. They're going to mess up, they're not going to pick it up right.

Debra:

It doesn't have Jedi mind tricks like we do. So this brings me to what I think is our first major talking point here, and that's emotional intelligence and nuanced support. Divorce involves complex emotional journeys, including grief, anger, fear, maybe even relief, and sometimes these are all happening simultaneously. A personal human coach can read those subtle emotional cues, offer authentic validation, and provide that human connection that's so important during a life transition, like that one Reddit poster said. But the last thing I want to do is talk to a robot when I'm going through this tsunami of emotions.

Tracy:

Tsunami.

Tracy:

Anyways, I diverted All right, so absolutely. And what makes this even more complex is that these emotions aren't linear right. Clients don't progress neatly through stages of grief. They may feel empowered one moment and absolutely devastated the next. Responding appropriately requires flexibility and emotional presence that's uniquely human. I think another critical element we bring as human coaches is our lived experience. This is something I rely on daily in my practice, not just my professional training, but the wisdom gained through my own life journey and all of the clients I've supported through similar transitions and conflict. When a client is trying to decide whether to keep fighting for the family home or accept a different settlement structure, I'm drawing on my knowledge of how similar choices have played out for past clients. I understand the emotional attachment to the home isn't just about property value. It's about memories, stability for children and sometimes a sense of achievement or my all-time favorite, identity.

Debra:

Identity.

Debra:

Yeah, so you know, you're really highlighting what we've identified as our second key talking point here, and that's personalized strategic guidance based on lived experience.

Debra:

Experienced divorce coaches draw from both their professional expertise and their life experience to provide this really much more nuanced advice that considers factors AI might miss. We understand unstated implications, cultural contexts, real-world consequences in a way that an algorithm simply cannot. So, you know, I recently had a client from a cultural background where divorce carries a really big stigma. So an AI might have suggested standard approaches to telling family members about the divorce, but I, using my perception framework and my active listening, recognized the complex cultural dynamics at play, and so what I did was work with her to develop these announcements or scripts or talking points that would help her preserve important relationships while still honoring her decision. That cultural sensitivity is so important. And speaking of sensitivity, let's also talk about the accountability aspect of coaching. One of the most valuable things we provide is this balance of compassion with accountability. Sometimes clients need gentle redirection when their emotions are clouding their judgment, but that redirection needs to happen without breaking trust, without breaking that rapport we've built with them.

Tracy:

Yeah. For example, when a client is fixated on winning against their ex-spouse or pursuing punitive actions that might ultimately harm their children, we need to compassionately guide them towards more constructive approaches. Right, this reframe expanding perspective, looking at it through a different lens. But this requires a super delicate touch knowing when to validate feelings while still encouraging healthier choices or choices that get them closer to their desired outcome.

Tracy:

Right. I call this compassionate boundaries, and it's something I think AI would struggle with tremendously. AI systems might either be too rigid in applying rules or too accommodating of every request, without discernment. Finding that middle ground requires human judgment. I remember working with a client who was determined to fight for full custody despite having no legitimate concerns about their ex's parenting. After several sessions of building trust, I was able to help him recognize that his pursuit was more about hurting his ex than benefiting his children. That kind of gentle confrontation requires building genuine rapport first. And that's our third talking point - accountability with compassionate boundaries. As personal coaches, we establish relationships that balance compassion with accountability, gently but firmly redirecting clients when emotions might be clouding or impacting judgment, while maintaining trust and rapport. Deb is famous for calling this the love shove.

Debra:

The love, shove, compassion with accountability. So let's move on to our fourth talking point and talk through how divorce situations often evolve rapidly, with unexpected developments, right?

Tracy:

Oh God, yes.

Debra:

I talked to you yesterday and everything was fine, and today I'm getting a 911 call. Things on fire. Right? As coaches, we need to pivot instantly during sessions, read body language and emotional shifts to adjust our approach. This real-time adaptation is crucial. Right, so I had a session where the client had identified a goal of working through co-parenting communication strategies. Right, so at the end of the prior session, she told me what she'd like to work on next. Great.

Debra:

But when my client arrived, I could immediately tell something had happened. What had happened? Their ex had sent a really threatening text message right before our session. I was able to completely shift things around to address the immediate emotional impact and develop a response strategy. An AI system, following some pre-programmed coaching path would have likely continued with the planned agenda and missed out on the critical need to address what was happening in the moment. Even advanced AI that can detect changes in voice patterns or word choice would not have the intuitive understanding of when to abandon the plan and follow the client's immediate needs.

Tracy:

Exactly. And those pivots aren't just about responding to crises, they're also about seizing breakthrough moments. Sometimes a client will make an offhand comment that reveals a profound insight, and recognizing those opportunities to deepen awareness requires human discernment. We refer to this as the coaching skill of, again perception, which requires so much nuance and attunement and in fact it is probably one of the hardest skills to develop in our work in dispute resolution and divorce coaching.

Debra:

Absolutely is. Absolutely, and that's the human element that can't be replicated, right? So let's now talk about ethics and values. Which kind of is our fifth major point. Divorce involves profound. It's all about decision-making and moral and ethical considerations, especially when children are involved. As coaches, we help clients navigate these complex decisions in alignment with their core values. It's important work that we do here.

Tracy:

Yeah, it is such an important distinction between human coaching and AI assistance. While AI can present options, it lacks the moral agency and ethical discernment needed to guide truly value-congruent decision-making - value-based decision-making in these deeply, deeply personal held situations. It's the same reason why we often talk about divorce is universal, but it's so individual. It's like snowflakes they might all look alike but they're uniquely different based upon those individuals' values, personal experiences, personal situations. I worked with a client who was offered a settlement that would have given her significant financial advantage, but accepting it would have meant less stability for her children. Helping her weigh those options meant exploring not just practical considerations but her deeper values about parenting, money and fairness. So we discuss questions like, "hat message does this decision send to your children about what you value? How will this align with the parent you want to be in five years?

Debra:

Those values-based conversations are some of the most meaningful moments in coaching. They go well beyond what should I do, which is typically how a client shows up - and we're able to work and explore the deeper "Who do I want to be through this process?

Tracy:

Yeah, and again, unique to that person.

Debra:

Unique to that person, right? So we're developing that relationship. That's why most coaches work in packages or groups of sessions, because this is work that takes... It's not one conversation, right? So let's talk about something I think AI systems would struggle with, and that's trauma-informed approaches and safety assessment. Many of us who work in divorce coaching have specialized training in recognizing signs of domestic violence, coercive control and other abuse dynamics. Again, these situations require a lot more than just information. They require nuanced assessment and intervention

Tracy:

Yep, and what makes this particularly challenging is that clients experiencing abuse may not, more than likely not explicitly name it as such. They might minimize concerning behaviors or blame themselves. Right, and as coaches with trauma-informed training, we can recognize warning signs and how clients describe interactions that might indicate a dangerous situation requiring intervention.

Debra:

Or an escalating situation? Yeah, for sure, that's often what we see right

Tracy:

For sure, right.

Tracy:

So I worked with a client who casually mentioned that her spouse gets upset I'm air quoting when she spends time with friends. Through gentle exploration and curious questioning, I discovered patterns of isolation, financial control, and intimidation that she had somehow normalized but constituted coercive control. This discovery completely changed our coaching approach to prioritize safety planning.

Debra:

Yes, yeah, so let's just name that as a talking point. It's this trauma-informed approach and safety assessment in these situations involving trauma or abuse. Specialized divorce coaches apply these trauma-informed methods and can recognize warning signs that might require intervention. We understand the dynamics of power and control in relationships and can help clients plan for safety in ways that AI might miss right. We don't want to potentially place these vulnerable individuals at risk if they're just getting a plan, a to-do list, from AI right. I really worry that AI might take statements at face value or fail to connect these subtle patterns that indicate risk. I'm not sure that AI has the intuitive understanding that comes from the specialized training we have in these areas.

Tracy:

Yeah, and this highlights this sort of ethical responsibility we have as coaches. We are not just service providers, we're professionals with a duty of care towards our clients. And part of that duty involves recognizing when standard divorce coaching approaches aren't appropriate due to safety concerns. Yeah, okay. So let's move to our final talking point about the modeling of healthy relationship skills. One of the most powerful aspects of coaching is that the coaching relationship itself serves as a model for healthy communication boundaries and conflict resolution.

Debra:

Yeah, when clients experience truly being heard and respected in our coaching sessions, they're simultaneously learning what healthy communication feels like. When we maintain appropriate boundaries while still being compassionate, we're modeling relationship skills they can apply in other contexts.

Tracy:

I had a client who struggled with people-pleasing tendencies that had undermined her ability to advocate for herself during her marriage (Accommodating conflict style). Throughout our coaching relationship, I was able to model clear, kind boundary setting. Over time, I can see her incorporating these same approaches in her interactions with her ex-spouse and even in her descriptions of her workplace relationships.

Debra:

Right, that's exactly it, our coaching relationship becomes essentially a laboratory for practicing new ways of relating. This experiential learning is so much more powerful than just receiving information, watching a TikTok, reading something on Instagram. They're learning so much more. And AI systems, despite providing information, I don't think are as effective at modeling these relational dynamics in a really authentic way. Right, and that's kind of our final talking point, that's modeling healthy relationship skills for the future. If they have children, the divorce is not the end of their relationship. They're still a family. They're co-parenting for years. Also, we know that the divorce rate for second and third marriages is even higher. Why? Because people have not had this relationship skill reset. So the coach-client relationship serves as a model for healthy boundaries, communication, conflict resolution. We help clients develop these skills they'll need for co-parenting or future relationships.

Tracy:

So you know, as we've been talking right, I'm realizing there's a common thread running through all of these points - the irreplaceable value of human connection. Yeah, divorce is fundamentally about the ending of one human connection and the reformation of relationships into new structures. Navigating that process successfully does require human guidance, and it makes me think perhaps the most valuable thing we offer as divorce coaches isn't any specific technique or information, but our authentic presence during one of life's most challenging transitions.

Debra:

Yeah. Now, that said, I don't want listeners to walk away from this episode thinking we're completely dismissing the value of technology and divorce coaching. Ai tools can be incredibly helpful for certain aspects of our work. They can help with document organization, provide quick access to relevant legal information or even help clients track emotional patterns between sessions.

Tracy:

Yeah, the key word here is tools, right? So I've started using some AI tools in my practice to handle administrative tasks. This frees up more of my time and energy for those deeply human aspects of the work that I do in my coaching. The key is using technology as a supplement supplement rather than expecting it to replace the core human elements of our work. Right, and I have been incorporating that also with the work that I actually do with my clients and how they can appropriately use AI as a tool.

Debra:

Absolutely, and that's the perfect way to frame it, I think, and kind of the basis of what we're talking about here. It's a supplement, not a substitute. AI can absolutely enhance our coaching practices in really meaningful ways, but the heart of effective divorce coaching remains this human connection between the coach and the client, that human relationship. So for the coaches that are listening here, who might be wondering how to approach incorporating AI in to their practice, what advice would you give them, tracy?

Tracy:

Yeah, so one of the first things that I do is start identifying some of those administrative or information gathering aspects of your practice that take time away from your direct client work. We're solo practitioners. Any help we can get, woo, I want to take it. So those are the areas where AI tools might provide the most immediate benefit. For example, you might use AI to draft a summary email after sessions or create customized resource guides for clients based upon their specific needs, but maintain awareness of the limitations we've discussed today and never rely on AI for assessment of safety concerns or those complex emotional guidance issues.

Debra:

Right, that's perfect advice, and I'd add that it's very worthwhile to stay informed about developments in this space, without falling for the marketing hype. Right, there's so much hype out there, guys, about everything.

Tracy:

Everybody's jumping on the bandwagon, right?

Debra:

So some AI tools genuinely enhance our work. They make it easier and better, but others make promises they simply can't deliver on, especially around the human elements of coaching we've been talking about today.

Tracy:

Yeah. So as we wrap up, I'd like to leave our listeners with this thought. In a world that's increasingly digital and automated, the value of genuine human connection and emotional intelligence is only growing. As divorce coaches, we offer something that technology cannot - authentic presence during one of life's most challenging transitions. If you're new to the world of AI or want to learn more about how to incorporate these powerful tools into your practice, please mark your calendar for our Lunch and Learn on June 11th, where we will be talking about how to leverage the power of AI in building your business. Okay, so until then, please keep making a difference in your clients' lives through the transformative and very human power of divorce coaching. We wish you well.