Waiting for Sorry: Moving Beyond Apologies in Divorce

The weight of an unspoken "I'm sorry" can anchor someone in pain long after a marriage ends. This powerful episode explores why apologies matter so deeply in divorce, and more importantly, how to move forward when they never arrive.

Divorce isn't just legal paperwork—it's an emotional rupture filled with pain and broken trust. An apology validates that pain, creating transformative moments where years of resentment can soften in an instant. When one person offers even partial acknowledgment, the atmosphere shifts; shoulders relax, breathing deepens, and suddenly impossible issues become negotiable. But what happens when that apology never comes?

Many clients believe they can't heal until their ex admits wrongdoing, effectively tying their recovery to something outside their control. This mindset becomes a prison of anger and resentment. Drawing from John and Julie Gottman's groundbreaking research on relationship repair, we share practical strategies for finding closure without external validation: self-validation exercises, perspective reframing, symbolic rituals, and focusing on future goals rather than past wounds. We explore how unacknowledged emotional needs often sabotage negotiations, causing clients to dig in on assets or schedules when what they're really seeking is recognition of their pain.

The journey toward healing without apology requires understanding that lack of apology often reflects the other person's limitations, not your worth. With guided self-discovery, you can separate emotional closure from practical outcomes, allowing you to negotiate effectively and, most importantly, free yourself from carrying resentment that only weighs you down. Listen now to discover how to carry your own key to healing rather than waiting at a door that may never open.

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Transcript

The Power of Apologies in Divorce

Speaker 1 0:44

Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm Tracy.

Speaker 2 0:48

And I'm Debra, and every week we strive to bring you practical strategies, frameworks and actually some real-world insights to help you grow as a divorce coach and better serve your clients. That's what we try to do here.

Speaker 1 1:04

Yes, we do Debra, and today we are diving into one of the most powerful and often missing elements in divorce the apology.

Speaker 2 1:17

This is not the first time we're talking about the A word, but today we want to continue our conversation as to why an apology can be so transformative in negotiations, how it ties into conflict management, and what our best friends, john and Julie Gottman, what their research teaches us about repair in relationships. And we'll also talk about the hard truth what happens when that apology never, ever comes.

Speaker 1 1:48

Yeah, yeah. So let's start with the basics. Deb, why is an apology so powerful in divorce?

Speaker 2 1:59

Because, divorce isn't just a legal process right.

Speaker 1 2:03

It is.

Speaker 2 2:04

This is what we see. It is an emotional rupture. There's pain, betrayal, disappointment, broken trust, and an apology validates that pain. It acknowledges someone's reality. That acknowledgement, honestly, can be more powerful than any financial settlement.

Speaker 1 2:27

Absolutely. And it doesn't have to be a full admission of guilt, right? Sometimes it's just you know, I can see how my actions hurt you and I regret that those words can soften years, years of resentment in almost an instant, a nanosecond.

Speaker 2 2:48

Yes, and I know that we've seen this in many a mediation room. The moment one person offers even a partial apology, some sort of acknowledgement, the tension drops. People breathe, shoulders relax. Suddenly, issues that felt impossible start to feel negotiable.

Speaker 1 3:14

Yes, yeah, it's an invitation, but an apology is also complicated, right? Some people fear that it will make them legally vulnerable. Others are also too entrenched in their narrative or they simply don't have the emotional capacity, yep, so this brings us to a bigger question what do we do when the apology never comes?

Speaker 2 3:46

Yeah, and this is where so many clients get stuck. They say things like I can't move on until he or she admits what they did. He or she needs to apologize before I can forgive. They actually tie their healing to something their healing and recovery into into. They tie it into something that's outside their control.

Speaker 1 4:11

Yeah yeah. They can't control that, and and waiting for that apology absolutely keeps them hostage to anger and resentment. They are actually handing over their emotional freedom and power to someone who may never give it.

Speaker 2 4:33

Yeah, never, never, never, then what? So, as divorce coaches, part of our job is to help them shift that. Part of our job is to help them shift that, to help them wrap their heads around the idea that healing doesn't have to depend on another person's acknowledgement or apology.

Speaker 1 4:54

Yes, I often frame it with clients this way right, do you want your healing tied to a door you can't open, or do you want to carry the key yourself? This helps clients start to see that they they themselves can find closure without an apology, that it actually is not a barrier, that lack of apology is not a barrier. It actually can be a vehicle for moving forward and there is choice there. They have choice.

Speaker 2 5:27

They have choice, but it's such a common scenario, so let's talk strategies. How do we actually coach someone through the absence of an apology that's in conflict or that's creating conflict?

Speaker 1 5:43

Yeah. So one approach is to sort of look at this impact versus intention process, right? Clients often want their ex or soon-to-be ex to admit intent you meant to hurt me, you did this intentionally. But what they really need is validation of the impact that this did hurt them right and we can support that discovery in that conversation for them to be able to say for themselves yes, this hurt me and it does matter, my hurt does matter.

Strategies for Healing Without Closure

Speaker 2 6:20

Yeah, yeah. So the whole concept of self-validation I don't need someone else to validate me. We can encourage clients to actually say things out loud. Give them some statements that help them. This happened, it hurt me, my feelings are valid, right, they can do that for themselves and that is a really powerful step toward closure.

Speaker 1 6:43

Yeah, and you know I love a good reframe. It's one of our powers in the work that we do as dispute resolution specialists. It's really sort of helping reframe something to expand perspective. So if a client says he or she won't apologize because I wasn't worth it, right, they don't care about me, we can support them by being curious about some underlying issues that again may be out of the client's control, something like maybe he or she doesn't have the capacity to apologize. This shifts the focus again from that sort of self-blame to recognizing the other person's limitations and not to defame but to expand perspective in that reframe, if you will, to sort of look at it through a different lens.

Speaker 2 7:38

Through a different lens. Yeah, and this is a situation where I also might like to use some role play, so exploring with our client in a sense of like, if you could hear the apology you deserve, what would that sound like? What if they did that for themselves? Because when they write it or they speak it, even just to themselves, it can often give them a sense of relief, release relief, whichever both, because what they're really looking for is to express their own truth and they don't need someone else for that.

Speaker 1 8:20

Yeah, and in that process, right, there are times that I'll explore with clients whether they need this or have a desire for this being a symbolic or ritualized action. Right, this could look like the client choosing to write that apology they wish they'd receive and then burn it up. Burn it or tear it up or release it to the universe. Right, those are symbolic acts. They're symbolic that can signal to the brain, right to our very, very organic nervous system. I no longer need this to be able to move forward. I'm not going to be stuck in this sort of positional entrenchment of I can't, because I can't, because right as opposed to, I choose right.

Speaker 2 9:14

So the last thing in terms of strategies is we really support clients in being future focused. We talk a lot about that. What do they want life to look like beyond divorce? So if they stay stuck in this anger and resentment and we kind of extrapolate that forward, what does their life look like as opposed to what if they're able to release it? So we want to help them anchor in goals like co-parenting peacefully or building financial independence. And when we're able to focus on those things, it makes that missing apology less central to what's going on here.

Gottman Research on Repair Attempts

Speaker 1 9:48

Yeah, yes, yes. So now I'd like to sort of zoom out for a bit, right, because apology isn't just about divorce. I mean, it's a big component in divorce, right, but it's actually a cornerstone of most conflict management.

Speaker 2 10:07

It is, and this is where our BFFs, john and Julie Gottman, their research, becomes so relevant, so relevant. They have studied thousands of couples and found that it is not the amount of conflict that predicts divorce. It's whether couples can make and accept repair attempts. Mm-hmm, yes, it's not the conflict?

Speaker 1 10:31

Nope, conflict happens. Conflict is inevitable. Right and repair attempts. Are those small moments, an apology or a little humor saying I didn't mean it that way? These are often like lifelines tossed into the storm. Right, the Gottmans say it's the glue that holds the relationship together.

Speaker 2 10:55

Yeah, yeah, but when these repair attempts fail, don't happen or are rejected, couples slide into what they call negative sentiment override. Yes, I love this concept, and we see this so often in divorce right, where every word or action from the other person is interpreted through a lens of hostility. At that point, even a small conflict feels like a battle. We have given up the idea of assuming best intention, assuming we're on the same team and everything comes through this lens of the enemy.

Speaker 1 11:35

Yes, so often, by the time couples actually reach divorce, repair has usually failed right. The absence of apology is really, is really the absence of repair, and that's why our clients are still carrying so much of this unresolved pain.

Speaker 2 11:57

Yeah, yeah, and that's as divorce coaches. Part of what we do is explore with them this idea that lack of apology is not about their worth or value, it's about a broken repair process. It's about you mentioned earlier. My partner doesn't have the capacity to do this. That's when we can support them to create new ways of repairing within themselves so they don't stay stuck in that anger and resentment.

Speaker 1 12:33

Yeah, it is such an important shift because apology, as the Gutmans remind us, isn't weakness, right, it's a conflict management tool and when it doesn't come, we can help clients find other ways to reset and restore dignity, to take a very strategic approach in dispute resolution when that weakness is, when that apology is missing. When it's missing.

Separating Emotions from Practical Outcomes

Speaker 2 13:04

So let's talk through. How does this play out in negotiation? What would it look like?

Speaker 1 13:09

Yeah. So when a client is waiting for an apology, more times than not they may dig in on issues right, refusing to compromise on assets, parenting schedules or even small logistics, because subconsciously, right or indirectly, they're trying to force some sense of acknowledgement.

Speaker 2 13:30

Yeah, trying to force, trying to control something outside their locus of control, yes, and what happens then? It prolongs the process, it increases costs, it escalates conflict. So, as divorce coaches, one of the most important questions we can ask is what feels most important to you here, an acknowledgement or a settlement that lets you move forward? What we're trying to do here is help clients separate emotional closure closure from the practical outcome.

Speaker 1 14:05

Yes, yes, and that is not about minimizing their pain. It's about preventing unspoken emotional needs from sabotaging sabotaging their legal and financial future. Right, I had a client who wouldn't agree to a parenting schedule until their ex admitted he lied during the marriage. Through our work, her work and self-discovery me guiding that self-discovery process she realized she wasn't really waiting for an apology. She needed to know she wasn't crazy. Once she was able to validate that for herself, then she was able to take the steps needed to be able to move forward and get to some real resolution and agreement in their marital settlement agreement and parenting plan.

Speaker 2 15:02

Yeah, and you know I've seen the same thing. It's so common and I can't remember who originally said it. But a line that I use with clients is you know the truth. You may not know the details or the facts, but as the spouse, you know the truth, like you can validate yourself right. Just trust yourself that you know the truth. So I had a client once tell me basically like I need him to say sorry in order to be able to co-parent peacefully. So again, exploration, patience, using that clarity framework, what we uncovered was that what she actually needed was respect in future interactions. When she was able to kind of reframe this need from I need to get an apology to I need to set boundaries for respect, the negotiation process changed and improved dramatically.

Speaker 1 16:02

Yes, yes. And these stories show that while apology is powerful, it isn't everything. It's just not so. With support from us, right as dispute resolution-focused divorce coaches, clients can find the closure and move forward even without it, and move forward even without it.

Speaker 2 16:24

They can, they can. So here's what we're hoping you'll take away from our brief conversation today.

Speaker 1 16:32

Yeah, provide a summary. We talked about a bit, right yeah?

Speaker 2 16:40

Number one an apology is powerful because it validates and it de-escalates conflict. Two the Gottman's research shows that it functions as a repair attempt and when repairs fail, resentment festers. Number three when apologies don't come, clients can get stuck in this unresolved conflict and strategies like reframing, self-validation, role play and rituals can help them. Role play and rituals can help them. Four in negotiation, separating emotional closure from practical decisions is critical, critical. And five in conflict management terms, apology is like a reset button, but even when it's missing, there are still ways to restore dignity to myself and move forward.

Key Takeaways and Training Opportunities

Speaker 1 17:27

Absolutely Beautifully said. Again, our role isn't to manufacture apologies. It's to empower clients to repair within themselves, to find that closure and to negotiate effectively. Apology or not? Yeah?

Speaker 2 17:51

And let's just talk about closure for a minute, right? We talk about this all the time. It breaks my heart when I meet somebody and I introduce myself and I talk about what I do and I start to get their story that they're still carrying around this really heavy ball and chain from their divorce. That was 10 or 15 years ago. So that's what we're talking about here is giving clients being able to release, to cut that chain, get the bolt cutters out.

Speaker 1 18:18

Yeah, right, it is because it is such a weight that so many people carry over and over, and over and over again. And who's it impacting, right? Not the other person. Sure as hell, not the other person.

Speaker 2 18:38

It's just my client, right? They're the ones that aren't sleeping. They're not parenting as well, they're not showing up at work, they're carrying around the heavy weight, so all right. Well, everybody, thanks for being here today. If this episode resonated with you, we would encourage you to share it with a colleague or a friend, and also check out our upcoming trainings at Divorce Coaches Academy. We have two certification cohorts getting certified to be an ADR-focused divorce coach starting the week of October 12th. We have one for the US and one for Canada.

Speaker 1 19:15

Yes, yes, please check it out at DivorceCoachesAcademycom. Additionally, these are just little snippets, right? Little thoughts. We love to have opportunities to expand on these ideas and concepts and theories in greater format in our trainings. So, please, there's lots of opportunities to expand your knowledge and experience in this work. And don't forget to subscribe if you have not yet, and we'd love a review. If you'd like to leave us or share some thoughts about our conversations and our dialogue, we'd greatly appreciate it. Until next time, take care of you.